Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
