she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
I mean she's doing calculus in her head to prove how NOT drunk she is.
Randomize
