I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
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