Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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