we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
