I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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