none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
