I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
I only see on penis in this picture but I assume there is another lurking out of sight.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
