I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Well i just learned hong kong is a country...thank you olympics
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
