I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Where are I am going home with Ryan
I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
