I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
we're making bets on your personal life
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
Randomize
