He kissed a someone with a penis
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"
So... What happend then?
We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
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