and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
I woke up to her vacumming the grass
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
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