he's 24. he finally texted me instead of using facebook chat. baby steps.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Did you drink ALL that 151??
No. We drank all the jaeger... Then used the 151 to start the fire. We're also out of paper towels... And your hairspray is flammable.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
