I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Cause I'll toss Tabasco sauce in his eyes and yell "Cobra attack" and walk away
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
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