If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Decisions were made. The quality of them will be judged tomorrow
Randomize
