Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
i realized my signature handshake has now become a hookup. i love what college has done to me.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
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