Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
