We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
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