PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
two words: eviction party
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
