I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
By this time tomorrow I expect us to be sitting at the kitchen table either playing a drinking game, or crying. Set an alarm
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
