Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Those nachos came to me in a dream
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Randomize
