At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
Randomize
