i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Randomize
