Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just googled if crying burns calories
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Randomize