I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Randomize
