she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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