I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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