i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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