At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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