i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I don't understand why you're so excited, it's my vagina not yours.
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Randomize
