tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I feel horrible. I brought her to your house like a late night pizza delivery and dropped her off.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
