So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Because making bad decisions is what makes our house great and I don't plan on changing that anytime soon.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Randomize
