But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
