I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Randomize
