Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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