The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
His personality is sparkling but nothing beats his ass
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
it's pizza time hurry your sexcapades
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
Randomize
