Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Wait is it okay if I still want to fuck the whole USA swim team or is that only acceptable during the Olympics?
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
Randomize
