dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Randomize
