remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
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