I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
