I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
