She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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