dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
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