answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
