She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
