so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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