You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
we put on a show in the hot tub for our boyfriends, then climbed out and both got down on our hands and knees and puked at the same time--still naked.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
