Free body shot off of Sarah. Expires never.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
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