im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I agree though, his intact virginity is truly the tragedy of the century.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Dude in the stall next to me shitting and sobbing. Dude another stall over, "Come on bro, you gotta loosen up." This is why I don't shit in public.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
