I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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