franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
