but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
