You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I woke up to a bum peeing outside my window, and he said, "This is embarrassing for you."
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
