just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
