plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
I haven't listened to news as I've been having lesbian sex all night. Anything new?
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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