I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
