I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
I just bought a vibrating toothbrush with my parents FSA insurance card because I'm too broke for a vibrator. New.Level.Of.Low.
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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