there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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