I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
Randomize
